There is that scene in Mad Men where Roger Stirling, with a cube of LSD dissolving on his tongue, rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Well Dr Leary, I find your product boring."
The product then takes effect and Roger is later in the bathtub reliving the 1919 World Series. The product was not boring. The Premier League product is.
Pep Guardiola billed Tuesday night's fixture between Manchester City and Aston Villa as "a final". Perhaps I'm getting old, but I dozed off during the second half.
That match was only significant for Champions League qualification, whereby half of the top ten teams will enter the pot for Uefa's annual draw in August. Back in 2001, the cover of When Saturday Comes derided Liverpool for celebrating a third-place finish to secure a Champions League pre-qualifier.
It was such a big deal that Liverpool's final-day win at Charlton Athletic was first in the Match of the Day running order. That season was another one-horse race for the title with relegation boxed off before the final day.
Sky Sports' Premier League bubble has burst. It is not a league that is alive and kicking, as Simple Minds sang in that 1992 promo. They have not had a title race and the only relegation battle has been for Southampton to get more points than dire Derby County did in 2007-08.
In the absence of much excitement, we have been subjected to inorganic punditry. Sky and TNT need to earn their coin from the £6.7billion they forked out for the rights in 2023. One pundit is reputedly paid £25,000 per appearance for a Premier League match.
Sky's pundits are now so ubiquitous their words do not carry as much weight. Gary Neville's appearances on Monday Night Football are scarce and that is no longer must-watch television.
The consensus is younger viewers are smartphone addicts who have short attention-spans, so broadcasters need a zinger or a viral clip. The American broadcaster CBS has pioneered this with their unwatchable Champions League coverage.
Sky attempted to replicate it with the recent guest appearance of Thierry Henry, a walking meme in punditry studios. Henry's puerile analysis of Leny Yoro's defending at Newcastle backfired.
In the absence of any competitor, Liverpool's 20th title is still as fabulous a feat as United's in 1994 and 2000, Arsenal's in 2004, Chelsea's in 2006 and Manchester City's in 2018. Arne Slot inherited an enviable squad from Jurgen Klopp and has improved them.
What would be a truly laudable feat from Nottingham Forest to re-enter the European Cup is not that wholesome. Forest are an effective but charmless team on the eye. Nuno Espirito Santo was victorious back at Tottenham on Monday evening and Forest are 12 places better off. You are likelier to find a Spurs fan who wants Daniel Levy to stay than one who wants Nuno back.
Even Manchester United's plight has become a bit of a non-event. One sensed when Ruben Amorim spoke about the need for a "shock" at the club he would have welcomed the tangible threat of relegation.
Yet the worst United team since the relegated squad in 1974 was always assured of their top-flight status. United seemed certainties for a bottom-half finish as far back as December and that could be confirmed this weekend. United lose so regularly the news is no longer worthy of a back-page story. We just shrug our shoulders.
Although this season will be, domestically at least, United's worst in 51 years, the shock of it does not rival 2023-24 or 2021-22. Those had 5-0 and 7-0 shellackings by Liverpool, 4-0 trouncings by Brighton, Brentford and Crystal Palace. The FA Cup semi-final with Championship side Coventry City was one of the most farcical matches United have ever been involved in. Little wonder United scraped past the three clubs bound for the second tier this season.
If Southampton, Leicester or Ipswich yo-yo back up next year it might instil as much dread as Norwich City used to. For the trek to East Anglia, of course. And the certainty that they would bring nothing to the table.
Carrow Road is one of the purer grounds to visit in the Premier League but Norwich do not enhance the product. The Premier League is better off with Leeds United.
"I pure straight hate you," Ron Burgundy is told in Anchorman. "But God-damnit do I respect you." Many opposition fans feel that way about Leeds.
Elland Road has urinals that look to have been installed when Don Revie was manager and vitriolic Leeds fans brazenly belted out the Munich chant the loudest this correspondent has ever heard two years ago. Beyond that biliousness, as a football club Leeds has an aura comparable with only a handful in the top flight.
Its stands are named after Charlton, Hunter, Charles and Revie. There are statues of Revie and Billy Bremner outside. It won't be boring with Leeds.
